Butterfly

Due to circumstances, my posts are now password-protected. If this password is something you would like to have, all you have to do is ask.

Hasta la hora,
~Mariposa

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The Return of Brother Bear

I received a card in the mail from Brother Bear today. I opened the envelope, and a big “THANK YOU” stared me right in the face. I frowned, confused. Why in the world would Brother Bear be thanking me? I opened the card. It was not a thank you. It was a regret letter. You know, one of those things you start writing when you’ve got nothing but time to think (his bus was delayed a number of days). His biggest regret, he said, is that we never had a close relationship, something he expected because we grew up in the same family.

Never? I thought. Never? Brother Bear used to be my biggest role model. I did everything to be just like him. I joined the same activities, played the same instruments, followed exactly in his footsteps for as long as I could. I loved Brother Bear more than anyone or anything else in this world. I cried for months when he left for college because I missed him so terribly. And he thinks we never had a close relationship?

Surprise, Brother Bear. You hurt me. Did you forget?

The message inside brought tears to my eyes. Was he trying to apologize for the hurt he caused? No, no mention of that. Was he trying to place blame on me for not trying harder? It’s difficult to say. I’m trying to forgive him all the hurt he has caused me. I’m trying to forgive each instance. And it has been so many years since last he threw knives at my heart, you’d think I would be over it by now. But he still made the decision to miss out on so much. I stopped expecting him, I stopped inviting him, and then I started hoping he wouldn’t show up.

I guess I secretly keep wishing he won’t show up. But today he did. And now I don’t know how to cope.

He will be back in January. My parents are excited, talking about taking time off work. They’re making plans to visit museums and do all these special things. I just have too much anger to be glad.

It’s not that we never had a close relationship, Brother Bear. We had 15 years of closeness, and then you abandoned me. Remember when your words tortured me into a terrifying depression that lasted five years? I’m still trying to recover from that. Over the past 11 years, I’ve been coping with the loss of you. I’ve learned to live without you. I’ve been conditioned to prefer a life where you don’t interfere because every time you do, you just end up breaking my fragile heart again. You can’t just come waltzing back in like nothing bad ever happened, and expect me to welcome you back with open arms. I’ve learned to be cordial with you for the benefit of Mama, but that’s all you’ll get from me.

I owe you nothing.

~Koukla

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